Hermes vs. Legolas
by The MUTT aka Ri
Summary: BOREDOM!!!! This was the result of non-stop fluxuating talk of Hermes then Legolas amongst my friends and my reaction. BTW, I'm Ri. K? Good. R&R!!!!
1. Fight *of* the Fangirls

Hermes vs. Legolas

By: Kari Herbert

Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings, The Iliad, The Odyssey, Hermes, Greek mythology, movie theaters or any country in the world, much to my displeasure. I do, in fact, own Ri and this fic. My friends own Asmeroff (Sandy), Reala (Bekki), and Lea (Laura). This was my first LotR fic and it isn't as hentai/perverted as my GW fics! Wow. 'Mazing. Very innocent… sorta. SAFE for virgin eyes not already tainted by my GW fics. Have fun! And remember, Reviewing is NOT a critical overview. Buh bye!

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Hermes was in medius res. On one hand, he _loved _all the female fans he had. On the other, he was afraid of death by asphyxiation in the trample of admirers. Currently, he was desperately trying to crawl out from under a dog pile of about 500,000 female fans while the other million or so women screamed and begged for his autograph. Managing to disentangle himself, he pleaded with them to go watch the new "Lord of the Rings" movie. He claimed that if they went, he would join them after the movie started. 

There was a minor earthquake as millions of ladies swamped their local movie theaters.

The girls entered the theaters swooning over Hermes. They left wanting Legolas' body…

*** The next day…***

Hermes prepared himself for the usual stampede of women when he heard the screams. After a couple of minutes with his eyes closed, and he was still standing, he opened an eye. There was another man who was being physically attacked by _Hermes' fans_. Random shards of clothing were being fought over as the owner climbed a tall tree and tossed the clothing.

"I WANT HIS KNICKERS!"

A Brit screamed madly.

"I WANT HIS UNDERGARMENT!"

A polite, but crazed, Italian screeched.

"I _GET_ HIS BOXERS!"

A blonde haired American girl hollered, reaching for the poor man's boxers.

"IF YOU GET HIS BOXERS ASMEROFF, THEN I GET **_HIM_**!"

Another crazed blonde- blue tip haired American girl screamed.

"I DON'T CARE IF YOU GET HIM LEA! AS LONG AS I CAN DO HIM ALL THE TIME, ANY TIME!"

Another brown haired American girl said, tugging on Legolas' foot. "Come DOWN here!"

"REALA!!!" Asmeroff and Lea yelled, beating Reala, and occasionally Legolas when they missed, with random objects.

After a few weeks of this behavior, Lea suddenly came to a realization.

"With all the Legolas stuff, Hermes has been forgotten!"

"No shit Sherlock." 

An annoyed, and blue- silvery haired, American girl said, glancing at Legolas trying to shake Reala off his leg, Asmeroff off his arm & keep his pants on. He lost his belt to an Englishman… don't ask.

" Legolas is a fucking sexy bitch Ri!"

Lea informed her couldn't-care-less-about-Legolas companion, before glomping him in the head.

This proved to be too much for Legolas, who proceeded to drop his pants, lose his balance, and topple over backward with Reala, Asmeroff and Lea clinging to him. Ri shrugged, headed for a short, young man walking toward her, and _FLIPPED_.

"FRODO! AW! YOU'RE SO SAMLL AND CUTE AND HOBBIT-LIKE AND HOT LOOKIN'! I NEED YOUR BOD! GIVE ME YOUR BOD!"

Needless to say, Frodo's eyes went huge and terrified by this strange person gasping out strange and terrifying thing while making a beeline for him. She then glomped him around the waist in mixture tackle/bear hug. They flew about 20 feet back into Pippin, who was knocked to the ground, unconscious. 

Legolas wasn't the only one to toss and lose clothing. A brown vest, white button shirt (missing all the buttons), green cape, brown loose pants, a belt, shiny electric blue shirt [with spagheeti straps and a slit up the middle, about the 4 inches…], blue jean short shorts, white ankle socks, and tennis shoes, were littered about the meadow/clearing. Two figures were lying amid the tall grass and wildflowers, making an indent in the grass. The figures were still clothed ib their undergarments [You perverts…]. The pale bluish- silvery wavy back length hair and dark brown curly neck length hair was sticking slightly to the faces, necks, and foreheads of the two hobbits. [A/N: Hobbits are tricky lil devils when it comes to secrecy, hiding, and boinking, for a lack of a better word thereof.] 

While Ri and Frodo were… uh… _indisposed_, playing tounge hockey, you get the idea… Legolas was desperately trying to wrestle his shirt away from Reala, keep Asmeroff from removing his boxers and keeping Lea from alternatively glomping/kissing him. Hermes was depressed. Half of his fans had returned to him, but the other half stayed with Legolas. 

The End…

Or is it?

Coming up later on…  
  
  
  
(EX)CHANGING SEXY MEN!!!

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Well, this is it! It was real short, to the point & dumb. Many things have changed since I've written this. For example:

Reala now loves Boromir.

Ri isn't a fangirl persona, she is a hobbit-elf.

Lea is an archer from Mirkwood.

Hermes has lost all fans and works for the postal service.

I've seen the movie.

I have written major and extended fics, including Frodo's Friend.

That's all. See you!  
  
3 Ri


	2. Fight *for* the Fangirls: The Battle Rag...

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Hermes vs. Legolas: The Battle Rages Still

By: Ri (Nefuialiel Palansarnwen Aratoreien) 

Disclaimer: Don't own LotR, the movie, characters, countries, movie theaters, Greek mythology, the U.S. Postal Service, any songs, schools (innocent whistles), movie titles, actors (sadly… I REALLY want ELIJAH WOOD! If you give me him, I'll love you forever!), or any English words. All I own would be… Ri, this fic, and…inside jokes. My friends own: Asmeroff (Cassandra), Reala (Bekki), Lea (Laura), and Tanthor-Lind "Lindi" (Molly). I shall now bid you farewell with the dolphin… "Eke eke eke! Ekah Eke Ekayyyy!"

Erm, riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight… On with the fic! ^,^' DON'T SUE!!!!!!!

"Mr.Hermes, please come to Mr.Shnooker's office." The loud speaker in the post office stated, devoid of any emotion. Hermes cringed and sighed. At least thirty women had heard the announcement and turned to stare at him. He sighed and ducked into his supervising director's office mere seconds before a good 300 women threw themselves at the door, hoping to get a good grip on Hermes.

"You wanted to see me sir?"

"Yes Hermes, I did." A man seated in a large leather chair answered, swiveling around to face Hermes. "I have noticed that your mere presence at this post office has generated an increase in revenue."

Hermes sighed, "Yes sir. All those women…"

"Who throw themselves at your feet. Your appeal to them is highly unprofessional."

"Are you firing me for… being too wanted?"

The sandy haired man raised his eyebrows and a look of uncaring agreeance graced his face. "Well… if that's the way you wish to look at it… Yes."

Hermes was shocked silent.

"Look, Hermes, I am in so much sorrow to be letting you go, it's not easy for me. It's a blow to the company to be doing this to you…" Shnooker said, putting an arm around Hermes arm. "You're like a son to me." 

"Well thank… Dad." Hermes retorted sarcastically.

Shnooker turned red in anger. "I will not tolerate being spoken like that! YOU'RE FIRED!"

"You already fired me."

"Oh."

Silence.

"GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!" Shnooker yelled, pointing at the door.

"I'm blowing this joint." Hermes said, ducking out the window, to escape the females.

Hermes managed to escape the post office without being noticed, but it didn't take long for women to notice the flying messenger of the gods. He was once more pursued by a large horde of women. He was magically transported to a large, empty void… Empty, except for himself, 1,000,000 women and one other man. Elf, to be politically correct. The women filed into stadium bleachers, which suddenly appeared, and sat silently, looking at the two competitors. ****

Hermes faced his opponent, and frowned in fury. 

It was Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood, his hated adversary.

Legolas looked at Hermes, out at the women, back to Hermes, with a look of complete resigned exasperation. Hermes almost felt sorry that Legolas was having women he didn't want hanging off of him, but quickly turned to resentment that Legolas had all the women that Hermes could have.

A bell rang and three young women popped out of thin air, into the center ring. 

"Good evening ladies and competitors. Tonight we gather to witness the battle of Hermes, Messenger God, and Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood, Archer Champion, Sex Symbol, Member of the Fellowship, and winner of the _Women's Weekly Movie Digest_'s _Sexiest Elf Alive _for over 1900 years…" An elf girl with dark hair, and in a space age pleather black mini, forest green tank midriff, and silver "moon boots", explained breathlessly.

"Lea! Come on. Spare us, ok?" A human girl with blonde hair, blue eyes, and wearing an out fit similar to Lea's, only in a denim mini-skort, silvery blue "moon boots", and a robin's egg blue midriff, sighed in annoyance. "Anyhoozle, ladies, we've got the fight of the century here, and you get to choose your winner at the fight's conclusion. Everybody ready? Any last commentations? Ri? I don't trust Lea, she may unfairly sway the fight by promoting Leggo Boy over there."

"Oh! Lindi, you are so mean! J/K! I'm with you… What's with the elven prince archer thing anyways? I say hobbits rule anytime! Oh! Yeah, commentary! Umm… Ladies, a few minor rules… A-ah-hah-hem…

Please, no feeding the competitors.

No nursing them of their wounds.

Do NOT rip clothing from your body and throw it into the arena. It distracts the fighters.

Please, no food or drinks inside the arena at any time.

Do not remove any clothing from the fighters. It distracts the judges/referees.

Please, keep hands, arms and legs inside the viewing booths at ALL times.

Do not enter the arena.

Unless there is an emergency, stay seated. And NO, throwing yourself at one of the fighters is NOT an emergency.

No illegal substances or possible weapons in the arena/facility.

No falling asleep during the reading of the rules… FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have fun DAMN IT!!!!!

Thank you… Let's get ready to CRUUUUUUMMMMMBLLLEEEE!!!!!!!! Run like hell!!!" Ri, clad in an electrically BLUE shiny plastic-type top, white cotton tennis short (short)s, and [yes, what else?] shiny white "moon boots", said in a neutral, fake happy Disney voice.

The three girls dodged off the arena to a large, protected, plastic room, with all sorts of comfy furniture and stuff in it. "And START!" they yelled over the loudspeaker.

The competitors sized each other up at glanced at the referees. The girls were plastered against the plexi-glass, watching & waiting. Lindi frowned, grabbed the microphone and yelled…

"You idiots! Fight! You know what that is? You attack each other and try to beat each other up? F-I-G-H-T! Leggo-Boy! Here's some advice, USE THE BOW!!!!!!!!!!"

"Calm Lindi, you're adrenaline levels, remember? Breathe in, then out…"

"Shut up Ri."

"You shut up Lea."

"No."

"Yeah."

"No."

"Yeah."

"Never!!!"

"Always!!!!!"

"You guys?"

"Yeah Lindi?"

"Shut up."

"That's what we're arguing about."

"It's not working."

"So?"

Blink blink. "Nevermind. Carry on. LEGOLAS!!!! You're a frickin' ELF! Use your head! THINK!!!!!!!!"

"That's not nice Lindi!"

"He's not doing anything Lea! He's just… sitting there."

"Did we explain the rules for the competitors?"

"Don't look at me, I'm not the rule person."

"Neither am I."

"That leaves one person… Ri?"

"Yes?"

"Did you explain the rules to the competitors? What this is? What they need to do? Anything?"

"Oops… M'bad!"

"RIIIIIIIII-IIIII!!!"

"Wha?"

"I'll what you."

"Ri, that was overly vital to the success of the fight."

"Uh oh… tee hee… Sorry Lea… Lindi…"

"Oi."

"I need a drink…"

"Yeah…"

"But there's no alcohol here."

"Damn it Ri! Did you have to remind us?!"

"Yup."

"This bites."

"Yeah…"

"What should we do? I mean… we can't have a fight 'til Ri tells the contestants the rules…"

"And then make sure all the weapons are properly working…"

"You guys…"

"And that the proper weapons are out there…"

"This could take a while…"

"You guys…"

"We'll need some entertainment…"

"You guys…"

"Maybe a staged knife fight… ?"

"GUYS!!!"

"What IS it Ri?"

"The microphone is still on…"

"Crap!"

The microphone was turned off and Ri left the room to brief the competitors. While she was briefing them, four small critters wandered across the arena over to where Ri, Hermes & Legolas where. One of them, a raven-haired hobbit, tugged on Ri's hand.

"Excuse me, but is this the Sing-sing cafeteria?" he asked.

The blue haired hobbit turned to him and smiled. "I'm sorry. This is The Matrix Void Arena. Perhaps you should consult a map?"

"Oh. Thank you." He stated, before turning to walk back to his friends. He did a double take. "Ri? Is that you? Wow! I feel stupid! Imagine running into you here! Huh. 'Mazing! Oi! Sam! Merry! Pip! Come on down! It's Ri!"

"Ri? How 'bout that? How you doing?" Sam, a like-able hobbit, called out, rushing over.

"Come along Pip! We have found a friendly face!"

"I'm coming. I really need some food though!"

The other hobbits had reached Ri and Frodo, the raven- haired one, and immediately began discussing their route.

"Where are we?"

"The Matrix Void Arena."

"Oh."

"We're not in the Sing-Sing cafeteria?"

"Nope."

"Hmmmm… A-ha! I knew we should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque!"

"Oh, get off it Sam!"

"He's got a point Merry."

"Welllllllll…"

"We should be near Sing-Sing even if we went North."

"Frodo, I'm not so sure…"

"Well, we could have taken the North-east turn in Ohio."

"True, true…"

"Why didn't we?"

"I don't know…"

"Does anybody remember our route?"

"Not really…"

"Nope."

"All I know is that we DIDN'T turn left at Albuquerque."

"That helps, Sam…" 

"Don't be so mean to Sam, Pip!"

"I'm sorry. But missing elevensies, luncheon, and afternoon tea makes me disgruntled."

"We all feel that way."

"Woah. Woah. Stroke of brilliance. Would Ri know if there was a place to eat around here?"

"Pippin, you are amazing. Maybe we should starve you more often."

"Please don't. I wouldn't be able to stand it. I'd go crazy."

"I don't think so Pip."

"Why don't we ask?"

"Okay."

"Ri?"

"Yes?" she answered, suppressing her laughter.

"Do you have any place to eat 'round here? We're starved." Frodo explained.

"Famished." Pippin added.

Ri laughed. "Of course! Just go in the little room with Lindi and Lea. I'll be right there."

The hobbits raced off, calling 'Thanks' over their shoulders. They were running straight at what they thought was empty air, but was indeed plexi-glass. A few seconds later, the hobbits hit the "glass" head on. With faces pressed flat against the wall/window, hands splayed out, the hobbits slid down the glass, making the glass squeak as they went. They recovered quickly, shook their heads and managed to get in the "safe house". When they were in, Lindi & Lea gave them food and seats, the best in the house. The hobbits settled in comfortably for a great time.

[People, this is as far as I've gotten on this chapter. It will be finished & updated, hopefully by 5-17-02. I've got a ton of stuff to do, update, type, study for, and make up. It's so not fun screwing up Spanish tongue twisters. Damn. But, on a brighter note, I've got over 60 pages written for Frodo's Friend 9needing to be typed.), and over 4 more chapters for Hermes vs. Legolas planned out ( once more, needing to be typed.). Stay cool, expect more this summer. Thanx all & please R&R. Luv ya! 3 Nefuialiel.] 


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